i had forgotten how fun it is

to have a song remind you of something.

[blah, boy post.]

anyways, i havent had a song remind me of a boy since seventh grade.
id pretty much convinced myself that i had been fooling myself.

not true.


starlight by muse.

listen to it.

merry chrismukkah

merry?


i guess.

johns switching schools.

i dont think very many people are gonna understand how awful i feel right now.




i love this kid. i love him. i eat lunch w/him every day, and we have bits, and its just fun. hes just fun. hes amazing.



ive never gone through something like this before.
ive never been this close to someone, and i dont know if im gonna be able to survive not seeing him.




i love him.

so send me anything but signals that are mixed

edit[x2]::
we went to the movies.
we couldnt get tickets.
so we didnt go.
i am...


pissed.


***

edit:
he said he was gonna call me to go to the movies.
he still hasnt.

***

or ill grill your face.








tuesday kris was being ever-so-sweet.
wednsday and thursday he was practically ignoring me.
today he gave me pretty much the cutest hug you could possibly get.


i hope you grill your face!


--the oc is my drug, and i am way to fking addicted.

i really want to watch the neverending story

i used to be so obsessed with that movie.

so today after dinner we all went out to the playground, right? and we played outside. we chased eachother around and we swung on the swings and we flew acorns and we laughed and it was so effing fun.

i dont understand... why cant things be fun like that anymore?

were always so serious.

it seems like the only time were actually not serious is when its nearly dark outside.
and when we dont care what people think.

its like... this sort of nostalgic thing.
i grew up w/some of those kids.
and we havent really changed, have we?
i mean, when you cut down to the center of it...
brookes still loud and obnoxious and crazy and somehow tolerable
and shelbys still younger and dramatic and proud
and ronnies still crazy and immature
and im still idealistic and come up with these kinds of things.


i wanted to stay outside for forever.
running around w/them and laughing.
but it got to cold, and it was time for choir anyways.
and so of course it wouldnt last forever.



nothing lasts forever.
i thought about that in human geography today.


in science last year, she told us that in a million years, the building we were standing in would be deteriated and covered in tons of dirt, and something else would be on top of it.


nothing lasts.

books dont last.
music doesnt last.
movies dont last.
machines dont last.

life doesnt last.

so why do we waste it?
why dont we just live it?

i want to shoot kayla

amy and i got ronnie raunchy boxers.
it was a while ago.
at the very begining of the year.
from then on, raunchy boxers were our joke.
weve gotten him another pair of boxers since then.
and were getting him two for christmas.

then his little girlfriend who we hate that needs to suffer just as much as weve all suffered...


got him boxers.

i was so determined not to have this become a boy-obsessed blog.

edit[x2]:
kris said he liked me.



here we go again...


***


edit:
btw, this was a tiny bit fabricated, just because 1)my timeline was screwed up, and 2)there were other boys besides kris that i didnt mention, but he was always at the back of my mind.


***


which is why i havent posted in nearly a week, since my horrible day.


but i cannot resist temptation.

i know the day i started liking kris.
it was at the end of seventh grade, at the choir banquet.
the next day, i broke up with my 'boyfriend' and told kris i liked him.

now, lets remember, this was seventh grade. anything i say or do should be laughed at, but i shouldnt be mocked for it.

that summer i talked to him alot.
he acted like he liked me.
then he didnt.
then he did.
then i got a boyfriend.
then i broke up w/my boyfriend.
then i met jon.

and got over kris for a full 2 weeks, until jon had to go back to vernon.


the next week i went to camp, and just didnt remember kris.
i was having to much fun telling everyone how crappy a kisser jon was.
and obsessing over a couple boys who were at camp, too.


then i went back to school.
whre i was completely and totally entranced with him and his best friend, shane, for the whole of eighth grade.


over last summer a few things happened here and there.
i went to the mall with him and shane.
i was supposed to get together with shane.
i wanted to jump kris with all my heart.

i didnt see him for the rest of the summer, but we were going to hook up on the fourth of july.
we really were.
his brother was gonna be the... er... chaperone and everything.


until i told him that i probably wasnt gonna stay a virgin till i was married.
when i got the biggest lecture ive ever had.
and learned that jon was back in town.


drama ensues...

sort of...

i called jon, but we never got together.
hes supposed to come into town in a few weeks, though.
we made a deal that hed take me out to breakfast.

anyways, kris stopped lecturing me because i cried.

and i went out to my farm to set off fireworks instead of hooking up with him.

i went to camp a few weeks later.
i always forget about kris at camp.

i sort of hooked up with a kid from church the week before school started.


i saw kris.
i liked kris.
i told kris.


i went to a party where kris was at.
kris flirted.
kris told his friends he didnt like me.
i cried.
i threw a halloween party and told myself i was over him.
i really did like a boy.
his name was john.
this is a different one than the boy from out of town.

the day after the halloween party i found out my dad was really sick.
i cried.
[i tend to do that alot]
i went to youth.
i needed someone.
i met a boy.
i kissed him.


i really only wanted a fling.


that wasnt what happened.

but it didnt really matter.

because i was really and truly over kris.

for two months, the thought of kissing kris made me gag.





and then, it didnt.

effeffeffeffeffeffeffeff

eff.
eff.
eff.
EFF.

geezus.

well, my emotions are a bit of a rollercoaster at this point.

actually, theyre more like a plain w/out a pilot...




doomed.


edit:
i could tell today was gonna be bad from the moment i woke up... 30 minutes late, as usual.
my throat hurt like crap, and the house was quiet.
i got up and took a shower.
the hot water dispersed with in 10 minutes, which was probably good, as it made me go faster, but i didnt get all the conditionor out.
when i got out of the shower i realized my second favorite pair of earings was broken. my first favorite was half lost.
at dance they were all gossipy and obnoxious, as usual.
it made me pretty mad.
and then in ipc i broke a beaker.
so at lunch john and sam wanted to go to quesos, and me and amy are tired of that place, so we went to taco villa.
and ate [outside] with aimee and abby... and kayla and ronnie.
probably not the best idea.
but the only other option would be with dawson.
anyways, of course kayla lied and her and ronnie were sickinly cute.
so then it goes okay up till after school.
where i get lectured about how i 'made a commitment to the team and i mean, thats a commitment.'
yeah, i got that.
geez, and its not like im gonna quit when i spent twelve dollars on a freaking shirt!
not that i dont wanna quit.
but what can i do?
so, w/e.

not to mention that i like kris again.

the end.

just some thoughts i had on the homophobia issue

jfkdla;this is seriously driving me up the wall. im not homophobic [completely for gay rights and gay marriage, 100%], but just because someone is, that doesnt mean you should judge them, does it? theyre people too, like everyones been saying here. my best friend last year was bi, and it wouldnt surprise me if ALOT of other people i knew werent exactly sure about their orientation, but also some of my best friends dont like the idea of gays. and i love them all.



but anyways, i do feel i have to get another point across. i am a somewhat avid christian [been kind of slacking lately, but what can i say? highschools hard] and my sunday school teacher is lesbian. a few weeks ago she showed us something in the bible.

example one: everything is taken out of context when youre talking about this, and i dont have my verses memorized or anything, but it says right by one of the verses saying that homosexuals are 'unclean' that eating pork and shelfish is 'unclean.'

example two: in the new testament, Jesus says that all the former laws should be forgotten, and that the only law to live by was the law of love.

get that?

the law of love.



okay, im done with my little rant, and whether or not it changes any minds i dont care, i just wanted to let people know about that little technicality in the bible.

the end.

so i just realized how long its been since i wore a nightgown...

haha, that sounds kind of raunchy, especially with the ...s. but no, seriously, i havent worn a nightgown since i was like 4 or 5. thats crazy. i guess im just not a langerie [sp?] girl? hehe.


anyways, i got a new word for lame, or a new few words to be mixed in with the usage or w/e. that blows, that bites, that sucks, thats lame, ect ect. i just gotta break the lame habbit.


baby woncha loosen up my buttons babe?


the end.